When A Relationship Ends…Questions and Worries Begin

By Tia Camille

I grew up in the 1970s, and my world was surrounded by images, stories, movies, television shows and real-life married women. For me, and most children of that time, the way of the world trained us to think marriage was the pinnacle point of love. Without it, you’d question whether you really ever found it.

The problem? No one ever really talked about the part when marriages don’t work like mine. Facing the final proceedings in my divorce in a few weeks means this relationship that lasted more than two decades will soon come to an end. For multiple reasons, I am not one of the women mourning the loss of my marriage. No. Instead, I can firmly state it needed to end for my psychological, physical, emotional, spiritual and financial wellness. I am finally looking forward to my future with hope.

Well, except for one major issue that I have that is causing great worry. I’ve found myself single and thinking about dating, which is something I haven’t done since 2003. Having the same partner for this long brings up a sense of fear and anxiety just thinking about having an intimate connection with someone else. Then, there is this inescapable fear of what happens if I contract a STI, HIV or AIDS. Marriage can lull you into a false sense of security, because an unfaithful partner can expose you to dangers. However, now, it is going to be me. I will decide to meet people and open myself up to being intimate. It is an extremely overwhelming place to be.

I think all of the scenarios have played like blockbuster movies in my head. How and when do I ask about condom usage? Who buys the condoms? When do I decide to become intimate? When do I have THE conversation about status? How do I trust the person’s response? Do I ask to see test results? Do we go together to get tested? These questions and more raid my thoughts whenever I think of dating. It’s overwhelming.

In Black culture, we often find humor in the darkest moments, and as a Black woman in my 50s, I’m reminded of the funny saying often put in memes: I didn’t come this far to come this far. It’s true though. I didn’t live five decades to have a bad dating or sexual experience change my future trajectory. I must have the courageous conversations with my future partner to keep myself safe. I owe it to myself. I owe myself the fighting chance to not only live a happy, but healthy, life. So, for now, I’ll keep questioning myself, until I’m confident enough to question others.